Descent
by ArgentNoelle
Summary: When Loki falls off the bifrost, something changes.


He didn't know why he let go he didn't know why he wasn't dead wasn't this supposed to be gone why did he still exist?

And then

Of course, his magic was still keeping him alive even now—unconsciously

And yet he couldn't bring himself to fix it, some part of him viscerally rebelled against the thought, it wasn't really like jumping off a building, it was more like drowning

You had to try not to swim.

And he couldn't even kill himself, the irony was astounding, he had failed at everything, even death. He had failed, and yet he was still alive because

He could never do anything right never be good enough and even now

He couldn't do it. He just—couldn't.

Ever time he got close he would—fall back like—laughing—because look, see,

He couldn't remember

Why couldn't he remember

But it was important, it was darkly ironic, because it meant he had failed. He had no choice to fail, because that was the only end, whatever he did. No choice to fall.

He had let go in an instant. He didn't regret it, couldn't regret it, not when he still wished to die but

He shouldn't have done it. [loki, no] he had to have done it.

It wasn't like sleeping. Whatever death was, if this was death, if death was ever going to come for him, if this was anything like what he'd imagined falling to be, not falling asleep. No. falling asleep was not safe from monsters either, and what if he was the monster in his own dream?

Then where would he hide?

It was not like that. It was too much to be an absence. Too much cold, even as he refused to believe

Too much heat, as he fell past—were those stars? And colors, all clamoring for his attention, but yes, it was very silent, very…

Lonely.

He had never minded being alone before. He always had his thoughts for company. Though as he watched thor ride off with the others laughing from a window he felt like a shadow hidden

He had always been able to amuse himself. With his mind but what of now?

Now when all he wanted was to separate from himself? Was that not what death was for? And yet even that was denied him. And even thor—even thor

Why even thor

Where are you I'm lonely

Please

He closed his eyes. Maybe if I close my eyes it will go away

[I will protect you]

where had he heard that before? Or had he heard that? Or had he only dreamed it? And every time he thought his thoughts he thought round relentlessly snagging on the edge of the bifrost that thor broke

thor, you unutterable fool

he thought maybe he had not remembered it correctly because in his memory thor was so desperately scared

and thor was never scared, no never even nervous remember? Not thor why would he be scared for loki why would his anguished scream it echoed through his mind it did

not make

sense

and he was so, so glad to rip his heart apart like that but it was impossible because he had never been wanted, not even at the end, after all he did for them Odin had rejected him, not his father, never his father, he had no father

surely thor did not grieve for him

and yet he wanted thor to grieve for him. But. what if it was a lie?

He thought he knew lies, took upon himself the name of master of lies, because words did his bidding, he spun tapestries with his eyes, and yet he had never known he was born of a lie himself of course

It explained everything

Why he was never good enough, why thor

Never

Looked at him the way odin never looked at him frigga sif fandralhogunvolstagg Asgard

Never looked at him the way he looked at him, with such awe and love because

[I never wanted the throne] because of course he could never be thor's equal, he was a monster, and they had all known it.

Some part of them had known it.

And yet Odin thought he could tame the monster under the bed? Did he? Did he think by bringing it into his household by lavishing gifts upon it setting it by his own son he could make up for his own atrocities

Because if he had only known, it would have all made sense, why he was never good enough

And then maybe it would not have hurt

So

Much

It did not hurt. That was a lie. He laughed and opened his eyes. The stars were before him and he felt himself tumbling—free-fall—down and up

And up again.

It did not hurt. He told himself that and it felt good

Because he had already failed utterly, failed everything well he couldn't fail more than that could he? And he had nothing, which made him free, because

He had never been wanted, always there, making mischief, making chaos

Never wanted but what about thor? Even the care in his eyes was nothing more than

Thor you cannot believe

Me. You tossed me into an abyss [and he had nothing left, and everything]

And of course that face was only imagined

Because now he remembered clearly

Holding onto the staff, and thor

Reaching down

And touched his fingers his hand and uncurled his fingers from the staff and he said [it's okay] or perhaps he said [no]

and he lost his grip and thor. Watched him fall.

because

[you are not my brother. You never were.]

_I'm sorry. _


End file.
